I don't know why he is physically acting out more than he has in the past. He tries very hard to go through all of the steps of calming himself down. He has been trained in these various strategies for a long time, but he is hitting.
We went to our math playdate on Sunday. Approximately 6 children go twice a month to our friend's house. My friend is a former teacher, and actually a former behavior specialist, but she teaches our children advanced math. Her own son is in the group, and in Mikayla's class at school. Both of my twins go as they are both very high in math. They spend half of their time learning and doing fun math activities, and the other half of the time just playing. The math time was over, and the boys of the group were playing tag, Michael included. When I went to pick up the twins I found out that Michael had basically tackled one of the boys to the ground and started hitting him. My teacher friend and talked Michael down and said Michael stopped and got back into control fairly quickly. Michael was "mad" that the other two boys weren't "listening" to him. I told Michael that was no reason to hit! That he needed to use his words.
I'm starting to worry a bit more about him. I don't want him to be physically acting out. I'm afraid that we will lose good friends. I'm afraid he will lose out on fun activities. What if our friends say, "I just don't want Michael over anymore because he will lash out physically?" The boy he was hitting was a solid, strong first grade boy. Michael has been in school with him since kindergarten. I don't understand.
I guess I always thought that autistic kids, as they mature, will develop better coping mechanisms. I always thought that autistic kids were more "out of control" when they were younger. I didn't expect Michael's hitting to get worse. I didn't expect his anger outbursts to become more prevalent. Maybe he is hitting more because it is summer and his life is not as structured or predictable? Maybe this is a phase he is going through?
Maybe some parents out there who have HFA children who are a bit older than Michael can shed some light on the situation. Is he going to continue to get worse? Is the hitting going to increase and increase? Will he work his way out of this?
The problem is one of culture as much as HFA. Michael has been taught boatloads of coping methods. He has been taught how to talk to other children. He has been taught how to figure out if it is a big problem or a little problem. He has been taught how to communicate his needs to others.
ReplyDeleteAnd his playmates? What have they been taught? NOTHING in regards to these things.
Take a look at Michael and his acting out. Yesterday (or the day before) he had an issue at swim. A child said something to him and he got mad. He took himself out of the situation and went and sat down. Coach took over and got it straightened out. The child Michael was interacting with *required* adult intervention in order to get things cleared up. Michael did the right thing, the other child, not so much.
Saturday (and every time we hear about Michael lashing out) we hear the same thing. "They weren't listening to me!"
Michael needs help with "what to do when the brats don't do the 'right' thing, by his standards." At the same time we have to realize that Michaels behavior, striking out, was the NORM for the last 1000+ years. It is only recently that we've gotten to the point where conflict resolution is solved by yapping and when that doesn't work bringing in a referee.
When the referee isn't there Michael *solves* the problem.
I know your feelings about solving issues. Society has gotten away from "duke it out" and they will never bother you again to "oh play nice and use your words." I see your point. Yet, this child that Michael hit, in particular is not mean, spiteful or a brat. He basically said, "I don't understand, and I have no idea what I was doing wrong that made Michael hit me." I think, in this case I do not think Michael did the right thing. He DID do the right thing at swim team and removed himself from the situation and calmed himself down. At the playdate it was a lack of understanding and maybe confusion about what Michael wanted from the boys.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if Mike, in the math playdate situation, said something that the other kid didn't understand. He gets *very* frustrated when he goes to the trouble of using his words and others still don't get it. He does that to me a lot. :)
ReplyDeleteI am not speaking of a single incidence. I'm speaking of the pattern. When you listen to Michael he says it very clearly. "They wouldn't listen to me!"
ReplyDeleteWhat does this mean? It means that he used his words and they did not do what he wanted them to do.
Is what he wants them to do reasonable? We don't know in all cases. Is what he wants them to do the right thing? By whos standards.
The issue is that Michael has been given a set of procedures to follow to get his way. But nobody really addresses the situation of "What happens if the child is just being a brat and doesn't do what Michael wants them to do?"
"Go tell an adult!" Yeah, that works just great. He's as likely to get in trouble for that in school as for striking out. Or worse yet he goes to tell an adult and he can't get the words out fast enough that the adult pays attention. Or the other child out talks him.
Hitting is the symptom, not the problem. Find the problem. Define it. Then address the problem.